People have been giving me (the expectant parent) all kinds of advice I didn’t ask for during the last nine months or so.
Below are some of the most popular pieces of advice I’ve received since we were expecting.
Your life is never going to be the same.
Well, of course it’s not. We’re growing a human.
Sometimes people say this one with a “you’re screwed now” tone while others give a more sincere “this is an unbelievable blessing” vibe. Either way, for better or for worse, things are going to change. Duh.
When is the due date?
I’ve told you a half dozen times, and I really don’t want to have to say it again. (This one isn’t advice, but I’m just tired of the question.)
Get your sleep now. / Sleep as much as you can.
Should I sleep for a solid month? Two months? What about my job? Should I quit? Really, I’m not too worried about this one. If I can attend college classes, work part-time and hold an internship simultaneously, I should be able to add a baby to my current “work and sleep” schedule.
You’re going to be a daddy.
Yes, I know. I don’t have the uterus.
Come to think of it, none of this is really advice... just things people feel the need to say… every day.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Prize In My Cereal
If you follow my every move on Facebook, you probably know that I ate a bowl full of live ants this morning with my generic version of Golden Grahams.
I followed my usual routine: Stumble out of bed, accidentally step on a cat, make my way to the kitchen with my eyes barely open, grab a bowl, spoon, cereal and milk and eat up. It was no different from any other morning.
The cold milk, combined with the constant chewing, helps me regain consciousness. So, of course, it wasn’t until I was just about finished when I saw them. A few had already drowned while the survivors kicked their six legs in a struggle for life. But it was a struggle that ended with a garbage disposal.
Needless to say, it was a really gross morning. Laura compared it to the scene from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when Rick Moranis is about to eat his miniature son from a bowl of Cheerios. Well, at least that didn’t happen. At least I didn’t eat any mini children.
I followed my usual routine: Stumble out of bed, accidentally step on a cat, make my way to the kitchen with my eyes barely open, grab a bowl, spoon, cereal and milk and eat up. It was no different from any other morning.
The cold milk, combined with the constant chewing, helps me regain consciousness. So, of course, it wasn’t until I was just about finished when I saw them. A few had already drowned while the survivors kicked their six legs in a struggle for life. But it was a struggle that ended with a garbage disposal.
Needless to say, it was a really gross morning. Laura compared it to the scene from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when Rick Moranis is about to eat his miniature son from a bowl of Cheerios. Well, at least that didn’t happen. At least I didn’t eat any mini children.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Would You Like Flies With That?
I have a lot of good ideas that don’t always make it onto my blogs, but I make sure to share most of my clever thoughts with my wife. Sometimes I wish her brain was the Internet, posting my ideas instantly to the web. However there would be a few downsides to this ability… like sharing images of me in my Simpson boxers and white socks. It’s really an unprofessional image.
Another humiliating scene occurs almost every time I enter a particular restroom. For some reason, this restroom is a regular hangout for sewer flies. If you’re unfamiliar with them, they’re little black flies with wide wings… and when you pour water on them, black stuff washes off. It’s probably poop.
These little jerks like to hang around the urinal, and so when I try to use it, they get into an uproar and swarm around, which makes me nervous since they’re basically little poop creatures. Taking aim just angers them more, but trying to avoid them from landing on, um, me looks ridiculous… and can sometimes be messy.
“But Jon,” you may ask, “Why don’t you just use another restroom?” Well it’s because all the other restrooms are too far away. And I don’t like flies telling me what to do because if I used another bathroom, that’s exactly what happens. The flies basically win.
I did not share this experience with my wife, but once she finds out I posted this story, she’ll probably go back to using her maiden name.
Another humiliating scene occurs almost every time I enter a particular restroom. For some reason, this restroom is a regular hangout for sewer flies. If you’re unfamiliar with them, they’re little black flies with wide wings… and when you pour water on them, black stuff washes off. It’s probably poop.
These little jerks like to hang around the urinal, and so when I try to use it, they get into an uproar and swarm around, which makes me nervous since they’re basically little poop creatures. Taking aim just angers them more, but trying to avoid them from landing on, um, me looks ridiculous… and can sometimes be messy.
“But Jon,” you may ask, “Why don’t you just use another restroom?” Well it’s because all the other restrooms are too far away. And I don’t like flies telling me what to do because if I used another bathroom, that’s exactly what happens. The flies basically win.
I did not share this experience with my wife, but once she finds out I posted this story, she’ll probably go back to using her maiden name.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Blogging is Really Hard Work!
Wow. I had no idea how much work and effort it takes to be a good blogger. Good bloggers put in hours and hours of work – not only in their writing but in their design as well. I know some people blog full time, but how do they afford life? (I guess this is a trade secret I may never know.)
I have great respect for those who blog like it’s their job. They have a reoccurring theme, regular readers and post daily… or in some cases hourly!
My best attempt at a blog is Gray Collars, but I think it’s time to give this Jonfiction blog a theme. It’s time to explore new territories. Here are a few blog ideas I’m considering…
Teddy Bear Tester
I test various teddy bears in the state of Pennsylvania and rate them on their cuddliness, lovability and, of course, hugableness (yeah, that’s a word now).
Celebrity Basher
With this idea, I would bash celebrities that everyone else bashes. What’s one more voice, right? I tried a test run here. (Note: Test run was highly unsuccessful. I lost the one ounce of credibility I had.)
Couch Critic
I visit furniture stores, test out couches (oftentimes lounging for hours) and rate them on my blog. I’ll have pretty photos too. High res. People like that.
On second thought, I really don’t see any of these ideas going anywhere but in SPAM folders. But even if I had a winning blog, I would still have to read, comment and promote other blogs too! Holy crap!
How do you bloggers do it all?
I have great respect for those who blog like it’s their job. They have a reoccurring theme, regular readers and post daily… or in some cases hourly!
My best attempt at a blog is Gray Collars, but I think it’s time to give this Jonfiction blog a theme. It’s time to explore new territories. Here are a few blog ideas I’m considering…
Teddy Bear Tester
I test various teddy bears in the state of Pennsylvania and rate them on their cuddliness, lovability and, of course, hugableness (yeah, that’s a word now).
Celebrity Basher
With this idea, I would bash celebrities that everyone else bashes. What’s one more voice, right? I tried a test run here. (Note: Test run was highly unsuccessful. I lost the one ounce of credibility I had.)
Couch Critic
I visit furniture stores, test out couches (oftentimes lounging for hours) and rate them on my blog. I’ll have pretty photos too. High res. People like that.
On second thought, I really don’t see any of these ideas going anywhere but in SPAM folders. But even if I had a winning blog, I would still have to read, comment and promote other blogs too! Holy crap!
How do you bloggers do it all?
Monday, June 6, 2011
I Tweet Now
No posts, no readers. I’m well aware.
On the bright side, I’ve been trying new things. I’m in the process of possibly becoming a freelance social media manager/consultant, I’m in the final stage of becoming a notary and I’ve joined the Twitterverse. Now you can track my every move!
Although I’m now on Twitter, I’m not going to provide food consumption updates, bowel movement news or thoughts on video games. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m going to use my Twatter account to make a difference and not sell out when Zach Galifianakis offers me the role of Business Man 2 in The Hangover 3.
Follow me, friends!
On the bright side, I’ve been trying new things. I’m in the process of possibly becoming a freelance social media manager/consultant, I’m in the final stage of becoming a notary and I’ve joined the Twitterverse. Now you can track my every move!
Although I’m now on Twitter, I’m not going to provide food consumption updates, bowel movement news or thoughts on video games. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m going to use my Twatter account to make a difference and not sell out when Zach Galifianakis offers me the role of Business Man 2 in The Hangover 3.
Follow me, friends!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Hose Killer
I have the unique ability to destroy a garden hose with a single touch. And with only a few seconds of contact, I can destroy the hose hangout too. I do not know anyone else to possess this talent.
After committing several hose murders, Laura suggested we get an expensive rubber hose that would surely be immune to my touch of death. So we went to our neighborhood lawn and garden center and bought a $60 hose. But after putting a slit through it a few months later, I feared Laura would find out and beat me with the newly broken hose.
So I tried to patch it up with some duct tape. Unfortunately, the hose was in a kink as I wrapped it up, so my patchwork looked, well, awful.
Despite my efforts, Laura eventually saw my mangled mess a few weeks later. “What’s this?” she asked. And in an attempt to avoid answering her question (or at least cause a delay until I could come up with something good), I answered her question with a question. “What’s what?” I said.
But there was no fooling her. In fact it was obvious to everyone in the garage (even the spiders) that this hose was my latest victim. My hands were green with evidence (well, not literally).
So as summer approaches, I’m going to try to stay away from our hoses and save my cutting for the umbilical cord.
After committing several hose murders, Laura suggested we get an expensive rubber hose that would surely be immune to my touch of death. So we went to our neighborhood lawn and garden center and bought a $60 hose. But after putting a slit through it a few months later, I feared Laura would find out and beat me with the newly broken hose.
So I tried to patch it up with some duct tape. Unfortunately, the hose was in a kink as I wrapped it up, so my patchwork looked, well, awful.
Despite my efforts, Laura eventually saw my mangled mess a few weeks later. “What’s this?” she asked. And in an attempt to avoid answering her question (or at least cause a delay until I could come up with something good), I answered her question with a question. “What’s what?” I said.
But there was no fooling her. In fact it was obvious to everyone in the garage (even the spiders) that this hose was my latest victim. My hands were green with evidence (well, not literally).
So as summer approaches, I’m going to try to stay away from our hoses and save my cutting for the umbilical cord.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Feeling Downloaded
I bought an Amazon Kindle, and I sort of feel as though I’ve contributed to creating a lesser world.
A year ago, I laughed at the idea of buying an e-reader, and now I find myself holding one in my living room. It’s really weird and I feel I’m losing my grip on myself.
So am I contributing to a potentially bookless future? Am I the enemy? Or am I helping to save the world by using less paper? Who am I?
I really don’t want to become a yuppy, so like Mike & The Mechanics, I’ll say it loud and say it clear: I prefer books bound and with real pages; books that don’t rely on electricity or technology; books that don’t need access to my bank account. Bound books will never go away. It’s a medium that has survived thousands of years.
So what should I do now? Return the Kindle? I will admit that it’s pretty neat. Maybe I’ll use it for magazines or reading classics I’ve missed in my younger years. Maybe download a game or two?
A year ago, I laughed at the idea of buying an e-reader, and now I find myself holding one in my living room. It’s really weird and I feel I’m losing my grip on myself.
So am I contributing to a potentially bookless future? Am I the enemy? Or am I helping to save the world by using less paper? Who am I?
I really don’t want to become a yuppy, so like Mike & The Mechanics, I’ll say it loud and say it clear: I prefer books bound and with real pages; books that don’t rely on electricity or technology; books that don’t need access to my bank account. Bound books will never go away. It’s a medium that has survived thousands of years.
So what should I do now? Return the Kindle? I will admit that it’s pretty neat. Maybe I’ll use it for magazines or reading classics I’ve missed in my younger years. Maybe download a game or two?
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