Would You Like Flies With That?

I have a lot of good ideas that don’t always make it onto my blogs, but I make sure to share most of my clever thoughts with my wife. Sometimes I wish her brain was the Internet, posting my ideas instantly to the web. However there would be a few downsides to this ability… like sharing images of me in my Simpson boxers and white socks. It’s really an unprofessional image.

Another humiliating scene occurs almost every time I enter a particular restroom. For some reason, this restroom is a regular hangout for sewer flies. If you’re unfamiliar with them, they’re little black flies with wide wings… and when you pour water on them, black stuff washes off. It’s probably poop.

These little jerks like to hang around the urinal, and so when I try to use it, they get into an uproar and swarm around, which makes me nervous since they’re basically little poop creatures. Taking aim just angers them more, but trying to avoid them from landing on, um, me looks ridiculous… and can sometimes be messy.

“But Jon,” you may ask, “Why don’t you just use another restroom?” Well it’s because all the other restrooms are too far away. And I don’t like flies telling me what to do because if I used another bathroom, that’s exactly what happens. The flies basically win.

I did not share this experience with my wife, but once she finds out I posted this story, she’ll probably go back to using her maiden name.

Blogging is Really Hard Work!

Wow. I had no idea how much work and effort it takes to be a good blogger. Good bloggers put in hours and hours of work – not only in their writing but in their design as well. I know some people blog full time, but how do they afford life? (I guess this is a trade secret I may never know.)

I have great respect for those who blog like it’s their job. They have a reoccurring theme, regular readers and post daily… or in some cases hourly!

My best attempt at a blog is Gray Collars, but I think it’s time to give this Jonfiction blog a theme. It’s time to explore new territories. Here are a few blog ideas I’m considering…

Teddy Bear Tester
I test various teddy bears in the state of Pennsylvania and rate them on their cuddliness, lovability and, of course, hugableness (yeah, that’s a word now).

Celebrity Basher
With this idea, I would bash celebrities that everyone else bashes. What’s one more voice, right? I tried a test run here. (Note: Test run was highly unsuccessful. I lost the one ounce of credibility I had.)

Couch Critic
I visit furniture stores, test out couches (oftentimes lounging for hours) and rate them on my blog. I’ll have pretty photos too. High res. People like that.

On second thought, I really don’t see any of these ideas going anywhere but in SPAM folders. But even if I had a winning blog, I would still have to read, comment and promote other blogs too! Holy crap!

How do you bloggers do it all?

I Tweet Now

No posts, no readers. I’m well aware.

On the bright side, I’ve been trying new things. I’m in the process of possibly becoming a freelance social media manager/consultant, I’m in the final stage of becoming a notary and I’ve joined the Twitterverse. Now you can track my every move!

Although I’m now on Twitter, I’m not going to provide food consumption updates, bowel movement news or thoughts on video games. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m going to use my Twatter account to make a difference and not sell out when Zach Galifianakis offers me the role of Business Man 2 in The Hangover 3.

Follow me, friends!

Hose Killer

I have the unique ability to destroy a garden hose with a single touch. And with only a few seconds of contact, I can destroy the hose hangout too. I do not know anyone else to possess this talent.

After committing several hose murders, Laura suggested we get an expensive rubber hose that would surely be immune to my touch of death. So we went to our neighborhood lawn and garden center and bought a $60 hose. But after putting a slit through it a few months later, I feared Laura would find out and beat me with the newly broken hose.

So I tried to patch it up with some duct tape. Unfortunately, the hose was in a kink as I wrapped it up, so my patchwork looked, well, awful.

Despite my efforts, Laura eventually saw my mangled mess a few weeks later. “What’s this?” she asked. And in an attempt to avoid answering her question (or at least cause a delay until I could come up with something good), I answered her question with a question. “What’s what?” I said.

But there was no fooling her. In fact it was obvious to everyone in the garage (even the spiders) that this hose was my latest victim. My hands were green with evidence (well, not literally).

So as summer approaches, I’m going to try to stay away from our hoses and save my cutting for the umbilical cord.

Feeling Downloaded

I bought an Amazon Kindle, and I sort of feel as though I’ve contributed to creating a lesser world.

A year ago, I laughed at the idea of buying an e-reader, and now I find myself holding one in my living room. It’s really weird and I feel I’m losing my grip on myself.

So am I contributing to a potentially bookless future? Am I the enemy? Or am I helping to save the world by using less paper? Who am I?

I really don’t want to become a yuppy, so like Mike & The Mechanics, I’ll say it loud and say it clear: I prefer books bound and with real pages; books that don’t rely on electricity or technology; books that don’t need access to my bank account. Bound books will never go away. It’s a medium that has survived thousands of years.

So what should I do now? Return the Kindle? I will admit that it’s pretty neat. Maybe I’ll use it for magazines or reading classics I’ve missed in my younger years. Maybe download a game or two?

My Brief Visit to Clown Town

I saw something today that I don’t see too often: Clown art. (And by “clown art,” I mean paintings of people dressed as clowns… not sculptures created by clowns.)

I caught only a glimpse of the piece hanging on someone’s office wall. It looked as though a clown was walking across an empty void, just below five large clown heads. Perhaps this was the walking clown thinking about his other clown friends… or maybe the clown heads represented the founding clowns of America (if there is such a thing)?

Whatever the case may be, the painting was more than odd, and I immediately thought of those with an irrational fear of clowns. This freaky painting would surely send them to a psych ward. And I’m not a clown-fearing person, but I could see the painting’s horror potential.

This has been my incomplete thought of the week. Thank you.

Baby Cake

After keeping the secret from our families for nearly a week, Laura and I decided to tell everyone that we did in fact learn of the baby’s gender during our last sonogram.

We shared the news by baking a cake and dying the inside either blue or pink. When it came time for dessert, the first cut into the cake determined the gender. The cake was pink.

It was a real surprise because many of us were convinced it was a boy (including me). But who really knows? Baby could have been tucking it back in an attempt to foil our preparations. (I’m obviously skeptical.)

But whether it’s a boy or a girl, I will love my baby… and I don’t need an ultrasound technician to tell me this.