Brain Stains

I spent several hours tonight cutting unnecessary people from photos dating back seven years.

I’ve got to say – a lot has happened in seven years. Hell, a lot has happened in a year. It was actually the past year’s events that prompted my decision to erase my past. So with selections from Radiohead’s “OK Computer” playing in the background, I cut up, scratched out and mutilated my past.

During my cleansing experience, I had a few awkward moments where I looked back on some wonderful memories. These were conflicting moments. I found myself realizing: “I have to destroy this person’s photo or they will haunt me forever, but if I do, I may lose a piece of a happy, monumental time in my life – my transition from high school to college.” A significant bulk of photos was taken during the summer of 2001 – a pretty good time, just before everything went to hell.

It seemed to all end when the fall began. College was new and stressful, and the girl I was dating wished she would have chosen “the other college.” If I had all the photos in sequential order, in flipbook form, you would surely see my smile turn into a frown before your eyes!

It all ended because the girl (whom I refer to as Sum Dum Ho) hadn’t figured out what she wanted from life. In the end, we wanted two different things. I wanted a home with children and a good woman. She wanted something in the storefront window.

Then I came across more recent photos – photos of my Power Buddy, Laura. We’ve been dating for a little less than a year, but she wants the same things that I do. In the past, with the other girls, there was always some doubt (even in the beginning of the relationship) as to what they wanted with me. They often fooled me into believing we shared the same goals. Laura is different. She has no ulterior motive. She shares my visions of the future. She longs to be with me and only me. She actually wants to have children.

Sum Dum Ho only wanted the splendors, such as regular vacation/weekend trips. And even if she waited until I could afford them, she still would not have appreciated it. She would eventually long for a place of her own (still requiring regular vacations to Florida and other places far away) but would be unable to control her spending habits. I mean, you can’t become a home owner when you constantly buy pink, useless garbage.

As I write this, I continue to crop myself out of situations I wish I could take back. However, it’s because of these situations I am where I am today. I always knew what I wanted – I just had to take a long, bumpy road to get there.

And although I have the power to cut up photos and throw away objects from my past, I may always have the memories stained on my brain. I keep telling myself that this is a part of growing up and that everyone goes through it at some point in their life.