Hose Killer

I have the unique ability to destroy a garden hose with a single touch. And with only a few seconds of contact, I can destroy the hose hangout too. I do not know anyone else to possess this talent.

After committing several hose murders, Laura suggested we get an expensive rubber hose that would surely be immune to my touch of death. So we went to our neighborhood lawn and garden center and bought a $60 hose. But after putting a slit through it a few months later, I feared Laura would find out and beat me with the newly broken hose.

So I tried to patch it up with some duct tape. Unfortunately, the hose was in a kink as I wrapped it up, so my patchwork looked, well, awful.

Despite my efforts, Laura eventually saw my mangled mess a few weeks later. “What’s this?” she asked. And in an attempt to avoid answering her question (or at least cause a delay until I could come up with something good), I answered her question with a question. “What’s what?” I said.

But there was no fooling her. In fact it was obvious to everyone in the garage (even the spiders) that this hose was my latest victim. My hands were green with evidence (well, not literally).

So as summer approaches, I’m going to try to stay away from our hoses and save my cutting for the umbilical cord.