I Write the Songs That Make the Whole World Sing

Ever notice that a lot of songs bring out the worst in people?

Okay, let me clarify what I’m trying to communicate. Have you ever noticed that certain music can bring out an ugly, embarrassing persona when combined with either an enormous ego or a large quantity of alcohol?

Stupid Songs

I’ve seen even the utmost conservative businessman loose himself whenever the first few chords of “Sweet Home Alabama” shoot from the speakers. He’ll loosen his tie, unbutton his dress shirt, raise his drink and, with his New Jersey accent, give a rebel yell. (It always makes me cringe when I see the whole bar go nucking futs over this stupid song.)

Stupid Music Selections

I recently attended a wedding where I was reminded that you can take the girl out of Pittsburgh, but you can’t take the Pittsburgh out of the girl. The music selection made me cringe. At one point, the wedding party was dancing to that old KC and Jo Jo song from the late nineties. Who thought this was a good idea? First of all, the song’s played out – for at least eight years. Hell, I know all the words and I hate the song. Second, and most importantly, the name “KC and Jo Jo” sounds like a circus act featuring a dog and a bear.

A good majority of the wedding guests were well over 40, and therefore couldn’t relate to the borderline bubble gum selections. They sat out for most of the songs. Call me old fashioned or a lame ass, but I think the music selection for a wedding reception should be a little deeper, a little more unique, a little less like the cover songs of BackSync.

So why am I bringing all this up? The truth is that I’m a music connoisseur. That’s right – I buy it, I critique it and I make it. Therefore, I can complain about music.

So when you find yourself in a bass-thumping auto with a thug wannabe blasting some song about oral fixation and sticking “it” in your “moon pie,” tell that "thuggish" friend of yours to grow a brain, gain some self-respect and pay attention to the moronic lyrics.

And when you’re at a wedding and you hear the first few notes of a boy band song, feel obliged to get on the microphone and talk some sense into whoever planned the wedding.

And when you’re at a crowded bar and hear Pittsburgh red-neck wannabes hoot and holler for “Sweet Home Alabama,” get up and leave. Maybe go to Denny’s.