Diet and Exercise Tips

There are a lot of health and fitness bloggers out there. These “champions of wellness” post regularly about their healthy eating habits, races they’ve signed up for and tips on how YOU can be your healthiest.

I think it’s quite obvious that I don’t fall into this category of blogger. Heck, I don’t even post regularly. But I do know a thing or two when it comes to bad health and fitness decisions. I realized this tonight when I decided to shove dinner in my face and immediately exercise… and exercise hard… I’m talkin’ zero to eighty stuff.

So without further ado, I present…

How to Eat Like Shit and Exercise Until You Nearly Die (7 Tips)

Tip #1 Eat it All

If your goal is to get really nauseated, eat the heaviest food you can find. I chose to eat a week old cheeseburger (extra thick) with a bunch of pasta and several turkey meatballs. I washed it all down with an ice cold glass of cherry cola. Bon appetit!

Tip #2 Get Pumped

If it’s a nice day, you want to own it. So get outside now! (NOTE: It’s important that you do NOT wait for your food to digest and do NOT drink any water.) I decided to ride my bicycle. And since I only use it twice a year (on average), I wasted no time pumping the tires (my warm up) and zooming out of the garage. Whatever type of exercise you decide to do, make sure NOT to bring any water with you.

Tip #3 Develop a False Sense of Invulnerability

It’s time to prove to yourself and the neighborhood that you can do the same things you could do when you were 15. Listen to that voice in the back of your head saying “Hey, you’re BETTER now than you were at 15.” Twice the age, twice the endurance, right? I decided to bike uphill. The biggest, longest hill I’ve ever seen.

Tip #4 Don’t Give Up!

Halfway up the hill, every vein in my body started throbbing. My arteries seem to quiver. I forgot how to breathe. My head started pounding and I think my hearing started to go. “Don’t give up!” said the voice. As I pedaled onward and upward, the voice sounded more like “Drrn’t girb up!” That’s when I decided to hop off the bike and walk it uphill.

Tip #5 Where am I Going?

The journey is the destination. (Whoa. That’s a real health/fitness blogger statement right there.)

Tip #6 Prepare to Die in an Old Woman’s Garden

I wasn’t sure where I was going and where I would end up. I just kept moving. You may experience this on your journey. Unless you died after Tip #4.

Tip #7 Get Home Now

Father Time has made you into an out-of-shape dope. Go home and read some posts from healthy bloggers with the intention of getting inspired. (NOTE: Doing this will likely make you feel worse about yourself. Proceed with caution.)